How to Solve Your Problems - or Fail Spectacularly
by Cisselah
Summary: A travel log of Rose Weasley's desperate attempts to get those cursed red shoes off her feet. And failing to do so - spectacularly.


**~*How to Solve Your Problems - or Fail Spectacularly*~**

**Written by: Cisselah**

**_(Chaser 3)_**

**_written for_**_ Cearphilly Catapults** in **The Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition_

**_Prompts: 10, 13 & 15_**

**~*-.-*~**

_Day 1, Las Vegas_

What's up, beatches?! Haha! Just kidding! This is Rose Weasley, everybody's favorite Party Princess. But Rosie, you might ask, what are you doing writing something as lame as a travel-log?

Well, glad you asked. Firstly I'd like to inform you that this was so not my idea. My mother, out-dated as she is, was the one that insisted that I did. _It's a good experience. You'll appreciate it when your older. It'll help you organize. Bla bla bla bla... Something something and something again. _You get the point.

Anyway, it might be a good idea to explain _why_ I'm writing this instead of gambling away my money at a fancy casino (and possibly fooling around with some hot multi-millionaire I found at the Black-Jack table). Well, it's a boring story...

Lily and I went shopping a few days ago. We were buying something to wear to this party Yolanda Mirao is throwing on that Friday. Yolanda always throws the best parties _ever!_ Not that is has anything to do with the story. So anyway, we were shopping in Muggle London, trying to find something to wear because everything in our closets had already been worn once. Lily found this sparkly, little silver dress that she thought made her look like she had boobs (I know, what a miracle, yeah?) but totally made her butt look big. I'm such a good friend, so I told her she looked like a total **_(censured by the webpage)_**. Lily _freaked _out. She started going on and on about what a total **_(censured by the webpage)_** I was and how I always did this when I felt that she was prettier than me.

What a **_(censured by the webpage)_**! All I did was try to be nice and tell her something that should have been obvious. But could she just say 'thank you' and change dresses? No, because Lily Potter is too good for the rest of us. She's such a diva.

Anyway, after Lily stormed away like she had watched one too many movies, I picked out this gorgeous black dress that empathized my curves perfectly. I mean, I looked _delicious_ in it. I'm just saying: Hello, boys! Watch me rock this party! Anyway, you wouldn't believe the panic I felt when I realized I didn't have any shoes to match. So I went from store to store, just ripping through the shelves, trying to find that perfect pair of shoes that would go with my gorgeous dress. I was just about to give up when I saw them.

Shiny. Red High-heels like made for me. Gorgeous! They went all the way to my knees, all red and sexy and Oh-La-La. I mean, those boots would have made all the boys go wham in their pants.

I just had to have them.

So I was like throwing myself at them when this total **_(censured by the webpage)_** tried to snatch them under my nose. I looked up and guess who it was? That's right. Johanna Friedman. I mean, _Johanna Friedman_! In case your wondering who she is, she's this total **_(censured by the webpage)_** Ravenclaw who I had to share a dormitory with for seven **_(censured by the webpage)_** years.

She's also a **_(censured by the webpage)_**.

So I'm like: "What do you think you're doing, Friedman?" And she's like: "What do _you _think you're doing, Weasley?"

So I'm like: "I'm getting those boots, Friedman. I need them. Now hand them over!" And she's like: "So you can drink your brains out and dance on the tables? I see right through you, Weasley, and I'm not gonna let you go out and party away your youth! Everything you do reflects back on all women around the world. If you continue like this, you're going to get in trouble. _"God doesn't need to punish us. He just grants us a long enough life to punish ourselves", __Barbara Kingsolver__"_

I know, right? _Everything you do reflects back on all women around the world_? I mean, who talks like that? So I was like: "Hate the sin, not the sinner"

Friedman was like: "Are you quoting Gandhi at me?"

I was like: "**_(censured by the webpage)_**, please. Don't be a stick in the mud just because you've never gotten laid"

She gets really mad and she's like: "You have no respect for your body, Rose. You dress provocatively and show too much skin. Do you want them to objectify you or what? Have some respect for your body, Rose, and maybe boys will have respect for you"

So alright, I might have been a little overly excited when I responded to that, but who wouldn't? I mean, the **_(censured by the webpage)_** basically called me a **_(censured by the webpage)_**!

Anyway, Friedman goes nuts. She throws the boots at me, screaming something about how if I wanted to waste away my life, I could keep the shoes and continue being a sinner. She went on and on about how I was substituting true love with lust and how nothing was going to change unless I found someone that love me for who I was... Or something like that.

Whatever. I got the boots.

Anyway, I won't bore you with the details, but I totally owned the party. Sexiest woman there. I almost felt sorry for the other women, because all the men were staring at me like I was the juiciest meat slab in a world full of potatoes, if you know what I mean.

It wasn't until the next morning when I discovered they were stuck. I mean, the boots. They were stuck. That **_(censured by the webpage)_** had cursed those gorgeous, red boots to stick on my feet. I mean... Seriously? How am I supposed to find any clothes that match those lovely boots? And let's not even mention how lame it is to wear the same boots every day for the rest of my life.

My mom was like: "Rosie, I love you, but you got into this mess by yourself, so you can get out of it on your own. And don't even think about tattling to the Aurors. I don't want that nice girl to be reprimanded and get destroy her future career. Here's a couple of Euros. Go and find some witch doctor to help you."

So. I took the money, told my dad, uncles, aunts and cousins that I was gonna travel the world.

Then I went to Vegas.

And let me tell you. These people sure know how to party!

So long, beatches! See you on the flip side!

~*-.-*~

_Day 6, Paris_

Hi, girlfriends! You won't believe what just happened to me. My boots - those red little menaces - have taken a life of their own. I mean, seriously, they're alive! Yesterday I walked past this nightclub, and suddenly I'm turning around and heading into the nightclub to dance like a maniac.

Totally. Awesome.

I mean, I don't even need to know any moves, the boots just do it for me. And it's hot. I mean, shake my booty, stare at me, oh-my-god hot. It's like I have a wingman (wingwoman?) attached to my feet. Thanks, Friedman, I never have to worry about dancing ever again! I am so never taking these off!

Rock 'n roll, baby.

Rome, I'm coming to you next!

~*-.-*~

_Day 9, Rome_

I am so taking these off!

People, you won't believe what happened to me today. It's soooo embarrassing! I mean, seriously, soooo **_(censured by the webpage)_** embarrassing! I can't believe this happened to me. I mean, honestly... Me? What did I ever do to deserve this?

Anyway, this morning I stepped off the train in Rome (I know, a train, right?) and from the corner of my eye I saw this superhot man totally checking me out. Platinum hair, grey eyes, surfer body that was totally lickable, if you catch my drift? So I'm walking there, my hips swinging, my boobs pushed up in this gorgeous shirt that makes them look extra round, and I know... I just know... that this guy is so totally into me. So I'm giving him my smoldering man-eater eyes, right? And then, all of a sudden, I walk straight into a wall!

I mean, how embarrassing isn't that? I swear to Circe, the boots did it on purpose. They're growing more and more obnoxious for every day that passes. I mean, just tonight, they tried to trip me at the bar.

This is it. No boots are worth losing a hot man over.

Girlfriends, I am sooo getting rid of these!

~*-.-*~

_Day 23, Berlin_

Six warlocks, fourteen wizards and a librarian later, and I'm still not even close to taking these monsters off! Their attitude is growing worse. My feet are starting to blister from all the spontaneous dancing and my forehead is starting to look like a blueberry pancake from all the tripping and falling. I can't even go near a nightclub without those stinky sneakers starting to dance. It's exhausting! I can't take it anymore!

Berlin is a nightmare. I mean, it's, like, music everywhere. I can't sleep. I can't eat.

I need to get these off me!

I just need to find someone that has the power to get them off me... It shouldn't take long. I mean, how hard can it be?

~*-.-*~

_Day 54, Sudan_

The Megeri Shaman was a joke. I'm starting to wonder if any of these African Shamans have any juice whatsoever. Maybe I should try Egypt.

~*-.-*~

_Day 75, China_

Visited soothsayer today. Was told there was nothing she could do. Felt like cursing her sorry ass.

Trying again tomorrow.

~*-.-*~

_Day 93, Stockholm_

Another sign that God hates me; I just got kicked out of a church. It was raining outside, so I sought cover in one of the churches. But as soon as I stepped inside, those red menaces heard the organ music and went at it again. I think I gave the priest a heart attack.

My pride is pretty much nonexistent. I've sent desperate letters to everyone I know, but no one has any answers. Al wrote to me and said that Friedman had gone off on some holiday in South America. Guess I know where I'm heading next.

~*-.-*~

_Day 156, Buenos Aires_

A man just asked me how much I cost.

I hate Brazil.

~*-.-*~

_Day 162, Santiago_

When I get these off me, I'll burn them and laugh as I watch.

~*-.-*~

_Day 172, Iraq_

Al sent me a letter today. Told me he was sending me an angel to help with the search. Al's a Slytherin. This is way to helpful. Very suspicious.

~*-.-*~

_Day 174, Iraq_

I can't believe the nerve of him! Showing up like that, just expecting me to welcome him with open arms. And then, then he called me brat... - To my face!

I hate him! I hate him so much! Who does he think he is? Swaggering around with that perfect platinum hair and those smoldering grey eyes! And showing off that perfectly asymmetrical face! I want to strangle him with his own _**(censured by the webpage)**_ tie!

You hear me, Scorpius Malfoy?! I want you dead! Or gone! But mostly dead!

An angel? What a joke! Al, you better measure up your coffin, because the next time I see you I'm going to beat you so hard your Mom will feel it!

~*-.-*~

_Day 188, Moscow_

Tried ditching Blondie again. Failed spectacularly. He follows me around like he's a bloodhound. I bet he even licks his own _**(censured by the webpage)**_.

~*-.-*~

_Day 195, Albania_

I'm giving up. If Blondie wants to follow me around, he can follow me around.

I'm over it.

~*-.-*~

_Day 200, New Orleans_

And the mystery is solved... not. The supposed Seer we visited was total fraud.

_"Only a kiss of your true love can break the curse of the red shoes"_

Buddy, they're boots, not shoes. And by the way, true love? It's a bedtime story you tell the kids so that they stop crying over the monster under their bed. People, there is no such thing as true love.

I might as well pick out my own tombstone, cause the only way I'm getting out of these boots is if I'm dead.

~*-.-*~

_Day 228, Alaska_

Exiled to the coldest corner of the world. Malfoy claims to have heard of some miraculous ice candle that can break even the most powerful curse. This supposedly powerful candle is - of course - hidden in this hellhole.

Circe, I need some hot chocolate to live through this.

Malfoy better be right, or he will be pulling hot pokers out of uncomfortable places.

~*-.-*~

_Day 234, Alaska_

Freezing my ass off. Malfoy made a fire. He's not that bad to be around, after all. Especially not when he takes his wet shirt off in order to avoid hypothermia.

~*-.-*~

_Day 243, Alaska_

Almost died today, which is those red monsters' fault. One minute I'm trying to find my way into town, the next I'm stuck in a snowstorm, trying not to freeze to death in my way too thin clothes. Yeah, I know. A powerful witch beaten by a measly snow storm. Embarrassing.

Anyway, I'm freezing to death, making pathetic noises as I plan my wake, when all of a sudden Malfoy shows up like a guardian angel. He apparates us home, snarking about how didn't I wish I had passed my Apparition test now, and then wraps me in a blanket and hands me a cup of hot chocolate.

I can't believe I'm writing this, but Scorpius is actually a decent bloke.

~*-.-*~

_Day 245, Alaska_

The boots have found a new way of annoying me. The menaces are evolving! They gotten it into their heels to embarrass me in front of Scorpius. They keep tripping me into him, kicking his legs under the table, walking towards him even though I'm supposed to go the other direction. I mean... Seriously? Is it too much to ask for a break?!

~*-.-*~

_Day 249, Alaska_

Today, they... Never mind. I can't even write down what happened.

~*-.-*~

_Day 251, Alaska_

I'm starting to doubt there was ever a candle.

~*-.-*~

_Day 255, Alaska_

Scorp is right, this is the worst place on earth.

~*-.-*~

_Day 268, Alaska_

Things like this shouldn't happen like this. I mean, it hit me totally out of the blue. One moment I'm trying to heal his shoulder (he got hurt rock-climbing, can you believe it?) and the next I'm realizing that he's hot. I mean, I obviously always knew that, but I never really let myself think about it. He's seriously, unbelievably, smoking hot.

If this is hell, then Scorp's the devil.

~*-.-*~

_Day 270, Alaska_

I'm in love with him. That snarky, unbelievably hot, blonde pig! When did this happen?

~*-.-*~

_Day 271, Alaska_

Cold. Cold. Snow. Ice. Cold. It's so cold that nothing can heat me up. Fire, blankets, warm chocolate, spells... Nothing works! The only thing that gets me hot here is Scorpius Malfoy, and the bloke is so clueless it would be funny if it happened to someone else.

Friedman. I hate you.

~*-.-*~

_Day 272, Alaska_

We're giving up on the candle. Heading for Kairo to search or some ancient scroll or something. I wasn't really listening. I was way too busy staring at Scorp's lips.

I'm so pathetic.

I love him.

~*-.-*~

_Day 276, Cairo_

I hate him.

It's six o'clock in Kairo, and what is Malfoy doing? He's chatting up tourists. Blond, busty, Swedish tourists. The man has no shame! They weren't even that pretty! I mean, seriously, what does he think we're doing? Sightseeing? I'm cursed to forever wear last year's footwear, I don't need to watch my companion getting lucky on top of that! He's such a _**(censured by the webpage)**_. If he only though about something other than his _**(censured by the**_** webpage)**, the curse would be broken and I'd be home right now.

Swedish tourists.

Those _**(censured by the webpage)**_ have no shame!

~*-.-*~

_Day 279, Cairo_

I'm lying on a completely unhygienic mattress in a -5 star dump in Kairo. Scorp's lying on the other side, his back turned from me. He's grumbling about how I always have to play with my phone. _I don't know why you even bother, Rosie. You have to buy a new one soon anyway. Magic and technology don't mix. _

Right. You know what else doesn't mix? Rose Weasley and Kairo. This is the third night we're spending in this shitty motel room. The old Rosie would have been disgusted, but I feel strangely indifferent about the filth. The thing that bothers me though? Well, let's just say it's blond, tall and gorgeous.

And so not into me.

Every night I'm lying on this mattress, I count my heartbeats and try not to think about him. Eventually I'll slip up and start thinking about how handsome he is, how funny he is, how snarky and grumpy and sarcastic he is. Without knowing it, I'm starting to count his heartbeats instead. He always turns around and presses against me at night, so I can feel them against my skin and all I can think about is how much I want him to touch me.

I just want him to touch me.

~*-.-*~

_Day 290, __Copenhagen_

I figured it out. The red little monsters are Parent-Trapping me! With Scorp. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I can't believe I never figured it out before! I mean, they keep pulling me toward him, swaying my hips and trip into him so that we're pressed together. They dance in front of him. Heck, they even make me toe-flirt with him under the table!

And the worst thing is that Scorp doesn't even care. He's all; _It's okay, Rosie. I know it's not your fault. _

I just want to take a book and bash him over the head until he gets it.

~*-.-*~

_Day 300, Amsterdam_

Al sent me another letter asking why I'm not answering his letters.

Guess what, Al! I'm in love with your best friend, and I just realized I've been a total _**(censured by the webpage)**_ for the last seven or eight years.

~*-.-*~

_Day 306, Madrid_

People, I'm free! The red boots of menace is no more. I can't believe it! Over 300 days of being stuck with them and now I'm finally free! I. Am. Free.

And my feet stink. But never mind that.

How? You might wonder. How did you get them off, Rosie?

Well, remember when I said there is no such thing as true love's kiss? Well, apparently I was wrong. I was so wrong. The minute Scorp kissed me, those red monsters slid right off like they were melting butter on a butter knife. I was so shocked I almost fell down and hit my nose. Scorp thought it was hilarious.

Apparently, the little snake had been in love with me since third year. He and Al (those rancid Slytherins!) already knew all about true love's kiss. They knew that I needed to fall in love with someone and figured that Scorp was the best option considering he was already in love with me. All he needed to do was make me fall in love with him and voila! Goodbye boots! And all the scrolls and magical candles? Diversions.

I nearly died for _**(censured by the webpage)**_ diversions!

I want to be angry but I can't. I think I'm in heaven. The red menaces are off my feet. Fetch me gasoline and matches. We're having a boot-barbecue tonight!

~*-.-*~

_The webpage is not available anymore. __Find another._


End file.
